Fame Brief: Choose Your Own Adventure for Christine O’Donnell (2024)

Because God is a kind and loving God, Christine O’Donnell lost Delaware’s Senate race this past Tuesday night. Although you probably wouldn’t know that by her concession speech, in which America’s sweetheart followed up her somewhat terrifying “I am you” campaign tagline with a staunchly delusional “we have won” announcement. These statements would normally be classified as symptoms of schizophrenia per the DSM-IV-TR, although admittedly Christine is well past the average age of onset.

Some pundits argue that what Christine really meant by “we have won” is that she won a career for herself following the election, given all of her press coverage. At this point, it’s still anybody’s guess as to what she plans to do, but in the meantime we can take bets, turn to page 87, and choose her own adventure.

What’s Christine O’Donnell’s Next Move?

1. Talking head on Fox News/Trinity Broadcasting Network. Christine is pretty, conservative and outspoken and ignorant, all qualities that Fox News values in its female pundits. I think it’s a safe to say that Fox will offer her a job, unless they consider her too much a loose cannon or too Bible-thumping for prime time. In that case, the 700 Club will pick up the crumbs and make her a Washington/Holy Land correspondent, where she’ll report on groundbreaking new evidence that suggests that Revelations is accurate.

2. Book deal. Whenever anything happens in the news that slightly deviates from the boring old we’re at war/the economy blows/food recall crap, America won’t rest until there’s a hilariously-titled $25.99 hardcover tell-all book with large font describing the event in painstaking details. There was that book by the girl who got bitten by a shark (“Soul Surfer”), the book by Christopher Reeve after he fell off a horse and became paralyzed (“Still Me”), a 200+ pager on the guy who landed a plane on the Hudson River (“Highest Duty”), and a deluge of upcoming memoirs by the Chilean Miners. Is Christine’s memoir, undoubtedly titled, “I Am Me,” next?

3. Waxing. A week and a half before the election, Gawker posted a tell-all piece (complete with pictures) written by a guy who had an aborted one night stand with Christine three years ago. I say aborted because a) they didn’t sexify but b) they didn’t do much else because “apparently the whole waxing trend had passed her by,” and this completely turned off the dude. The MSM picked up the story and lambasted Gawker for publishing a misogynist and irrelevant story (which seemed highly relevant to me, because if someone is out of touch with American personal grooming trends, what other trends might they be blind to?), and Christine’s camp even issued a statement calling it “slander.” But the truth is an absolute defense to slander, which means either the kiss-and-tell dude was lying…or Christine got waxed.

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4. Playboy pictorial. See above. Pics or it didn’t happen.

5. Dancing with the Stars/Stars on Ice. This show is a showbiz career crematorium, where “celebs” like Marie Osmond and Rocco DiSpirito and political luminaries like Bristol Palin go to dance (or skate) their jitterbug swan song. I’d be absolutely astonished if DWTS hasn’t approached Christine yet. The question is, will she do it?

6. The way of the dodo bird. Politicians with weird party affiliations have a habit of falling off the grid after they lose. Whatever happened to Ross Perot or Ralph Nader? The Tea Party may go the way of the way of the Whigs and No-Names, and take Christine with it into obscurity.

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